I’m sorry to tell you this. It may devastate you and throw your whole trading psyche into ruin but I’m going to say it anyway:
You will never follow the rules…
In the long run anyway. You will break them. You will look for the next system. You will become dissatisfied and your mind will wander to “what if I can just take a few pips here..”
Why is that?
Because rules don’t mean sh**. I’m sorry. They don’t What you want and what you believe trump rules all day.
So if if deep down I think rules are bullcrap, why would I stick to them in risky situations?
It’s actually fairly simple to explain and excruciatingly difficult to work out in our emotions. We don’t own our process. What the hell does that mean right? Own my process? I show up to the platform every day. I try to follow my rules. I take small risks according to my account size. I “do” my process. But I still know better than my rules sometimes. Right? I still haven’t defined my rules to the point where they are super clear and I can legitimately follow them. Right? I think I can get by and make money the easy way. Right? I don’t actually want to have to BELIEVE in what I”m doing, I just want to do it simply and get paid.
Ok cool that’s fine. But all I’m trying to do if I approach life like this is show up to a job and let me be very honest, a job would be much much easier. I’m trying to scrape by and risk my money but not myself, my ego, or my ability to looked at a certain way. I’m just not risking me. Screw the cash. We all know, because I’ve said it over and over, cash is not a consequence, at least not a lasting one. We always find more.
Ego and reputation though or whatever it is for you is a limited resource. If we mess that one up… well that’s just death. Right?
Don’t think for one second I am not preaching to myself today. You guys are getting the very real conversation, drag out knock down stupid argument, I’ve been having with myself lately. I’ve had one of the hardest 6 months of trading in my entire life. I haven’t lost money, but I haven’t really made any either. I feel like I have lost something worse though. I lost my ability to be genuine. I lost the ability to risk. And it’s been horrible and I’ve been working every day to learn to risk again.
So anyway, I have said this many times before. I have to own my process. Ok cool. Mastery. Master your process. I am telling you right now, that is entirely impossible, especially in trading, if your mastery requires a specific result. I have struggled with this one soooo much recently. Do I love the process of trading? Can I accept the process for what it actually is? Like a performer must just sing or and artist has to just draw, or am simply trying to follow some set of rules to get rich and that’s it. What a pathetic way to live eh?
Why am I so focused on results? I know in my rational mind that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, ok less than the least nothing… ever, in trading that guarantees results. So what good does it do a trader to even consider them?? I can’t answer that. But my mind has been wrapped tightly around results now for months.
So what should I be focusing on? What is the proper focus of anyone who tries to make money from a generally unknowable future action?
FOCUS ON MY PROCESS
Not my rules. I can honestly sit here and rattle off trading rules to 10 systems I’ve created in the last 6 months that are profitable. So what? I can read you a whole list of rules on how to live life and raise kids and change oil in a vehicle and so on. But it doesn’t tell me anything about what I BELIEVE. I believe that if I follow the rules on changing oil in a vehicle that I can get it right and that the car will start and work properly.
How many of us genuinely BELIEVE that when we take the next trade we have at least 50/50 shot at a win? I’ve lost my love for the process and some of my belief. I’d rather lose all my money. Honestly, I would.
I have only wanted to make a whole bunch of money, the result. But now, I have this burning desire in my gut, like I can’t sleep at night and my days are brutal because I want to believe in my process again. I want to care deeply about my process without this incessant need to gain something from every single action.
So I am on this trip back to finding and becoming genuine again. I am trying to find the ability to believe in the process again and love it and not care so much about how it turns out. I am on that same journey here in this blog. I miss writing. I miss sharing thoughts and talking about things. Why did I stop? Again, because what was the “outcome”? So pathetic…
I want, more than anything right now, to let this pent up ball of thoughts and feelings come out. I want to share with this community, whomever is still reading, and hopefully find some new friends. I want to have fun. I want to find trading success again.
But most of all, I just want to love what I’m doing. Honestly, screw it… Lets just have a good time.
I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I’m ready for things to change. I will be posting videos here. I will be posting some chart school and chart ideas posts on the charts page and some local coffee roaster reviews and talk generally about my favorite thing in life: good coffee. I even want to write a new little book on some of this stuff. I just want to create some good stuff. I hope you will come along.
Thanks for reading. Talk soon